Tips and Tricks to Engage your Child in Discussing Their School Day

Today was my daughter’s first day of preschool. While she is typically a quiet child when she is around new people or evaluating the situation, she does…not…stop…talking when she is at home. I mean from sun-up to sun-down… the girl is talkin’! I thought for sure she would have a mouthful to share about her first day today, since she did last year, and she can communicate even more!

We got excited when we saw each other, hugged, and I asked, “Hey girlfriend, how was your FIRST day?

So, I tried again a few minutes later… “How was your day? Did you have fun?” To this she responded laughingly, “Nope.” Great. In essence she gave me her toddler version of “fine.” This can feel so frustrating when trying to engage with our kiddos and learning what is happening in their lives. Just know you’re not alone…it happened to me with my little one. Let’s chat about how we can navigate these conversations and hopefully get a little more than one-word responses!

Timing is Everything

Take a second and think about how you feel the second you walk in the door from running an errand and get asked a bunch of questions. Or after a meeting and those two people follow you back to your office asking you follow up questions that could be sent in an email. Do you really feel like talking? Or would you rather have a second to breathe, collect yourself, and then engage?

More than likely the answer to your question is how your child feels too. If you need a little space, engage in a different conversation until they’re ready. Share something you saw on your way to pick them up or something you thought of while you were at work. You can also ask them, “Want to talk about your day now or have a dance party listening to music?” Choices are ALWAYS a great option, and it helps your child feel empowered. Another option is to play another game on the way home. I spy, magic number, alphabet games, would you rather, are great options to engage with a tired kiddo who may not want to share about their day…YET.

Dinner Time can Make Magic Happen

Dinner time is another option if you need another time to bring up how the day went. Sometimes, it is just a blur once they’re home. They need a second to decompress and breathe before they can articulate what happened in their day. Allowing the daily conversation to take place at dinner instead of when they get home can give them that chance to collect themselves. It also is a way to connect as a family!

There might be a conversation that arises that you didn’t plan on but helps more than one member. Or a sibling might be able to provide insight into a situation another is struggling with. Maybe your partner can articulate things in a way one of the kids will receive better than if it came from you. Magical moments can take place at the dinner table if you allow the opportunity to happen.

Sleepy Time Chats

Another time that I find my daughter loves to chat is at bedtime. When I am the MOST tired and tapped out, of course. She wants to share anything she can remember from her day, reenact her day, share funny things, you name it…she does it. I have learned to lean into that time of the day. As much as I want to cut her off and say save it for the morning…I know she won’t remember it and honestly, the morning isn’t much better for me. But more importantly, it sends the message to her little brain that I don’t want to hear about what she has to say. Instead, we share stories, laugh about our days and I am present when she shares her thoughts. This is when it works for her and I value this time of day now.

There’s Never an Ideal Time

Your kids might not want to talk when you want them to. Give them the space they need as long as it does not cause anyone harm. You may try every single tip, trick, tool you can think of to get them to simply share what is going on in their head and they may just give simple answers. Then suddenly, they muster up the words they want to share at the most inconvenient time. This might be bedtime, rushing out the door to go somewhere, when you’re on the phone…who knows?! But it IS the time that makes sense to them.

Although you are exhausted at the end of the day and desperately want the hour or two you have before you fall asleep, try giving them the space to share their minds with you. It might turn into something special between the two of you. It could be where you have the conversations you want to have at dinner.

If they are constantly trying to share things when you’re leaving to go places, try letting them know you want to be fully available to listen to them but need a minute to be able to be present. When you are in the car, or at a stopping point, you will be present and able to hear them. Then make sure you give them that minute and it doesn’t get lost in the shuffle. Kids are funny and their minds don’t operate like ours. So, if your little one shares at the most inconvenient times, take a breath mama, and let them talk.

Know the Schedule

Kids want to share their days for the most part. If they’re preteen or teenagers….mayyybe not so much. But even with the tricky ages, kids don’t choose to not share things because they don’t want to or out of spite. They don’t share because they don’t think it is relevant or it didn’t cross their mind to be something important. This is why it is critical for you to know what their typical day looks like with their schedules. Yes, one more thing to store in an already cramped brain. Don’t hate me for saying it. But if you know your child’s day, you have a greater chance of being able to know what is happening to get them to share their perspective.

Let me give you a prime, personal example. I will preface this example by saying, I was 13 and this is not meant to stir up controversy of today’s safety concerns in schools.

When I was in middle school, it was the height of bomb threats. During a random school day, we had another bomb threat and had to evacuate the building for most of the school day. They were able to bring us in safely right before dismissal. It was chaotic to say the least. However, when my mom asked about my day that day…I only remembered that dismissal was chaotic. We had had so many evacuations at that point, it was mundane to me, and I didn’t think to share. So, I didn’t. This led my mom to go in freak out mode (rightfully, so) and she had to find out on the news. She was frantic because she couldn’t get me out of the school and asked me to remember what was happening in my day. I didn’t omit because I didn’t want her to know. I omitted it because it wasn’t important to me. Had she not known my day, seen it on the news, or checked in with the school…she wouldn’t have known based on my account.

Knowing the day is always a great call. It allows you to dive deeper into specifics about their day. It also can give insight into friendships, group dynamics, and any classes that aren’t going great if they’re in the upper grades.

How to Start the Conversation

Ok, your kiddo isn’t giving you much to work with. You know their schedule and they’re still really limited. What now? Let me give you a few starters that you can tweak for your situation to help get more from your kiddo about their day.

Who did you eat with today at lunch?

Did your buddy have a good day? Anything happen to them?

What is a good choice you saw someone in your class make?

Did anyone make poor choices they need to learn from?

Share something or someone that made you smile today?

Share something or someone that made you laugh?

What was the weather like when you went to play outside?

I know you like when… how did that go?

Your body is telling me…tell me a little more about…

Did you prefer your reading lesson or science lesson today? What happened?

How was (art, music, pe, club)

Was there a time today you saw someone help someone else today?

Give me an example of something kind you saw today?

What happened that brought you joy today?

If you could change one thing about your day…what would it be?

Is there anything you need from me for your day tomorrow?

What is one thing you are grateful for today?

These conversation starters allow for your child to have a specific topic to pull from their day to answer with. It is not a broad question that can feel overwhelming to answer. Many of them hit on the different aspects of their day which can help too.

However, I realize not everyone has little ones. Some of your children are in high school. I received a tip from another mama that stuck with me. If you have an older child or a tricky preteen…all you have to say is, “really” at the end of their sentences. THAT’S IT. There is something about this phrase that prompts them to keep sharing. “Julie said my shoes were garbage.” I say, “really?” And so, it goes. Try it… I think it will work if these conversation starters don’t!

Give it Some Time

Your child may not start sharing about their day immediately. That is ok! Keep at it. Try different ways to engage them in the conversations and overtime something will click with them to give a few more details. If you provide a loving, safe sharing environment, their willingness to share will follow.

Although you might be using the conversation starters I have suggested, make them sound like you. If they come off as insincere, your child will look at you sideways and wonder who has taken over their mama. Nobody needs that when you’re trying to get your kiddo to talk more. Understand that like everything else that comes with parenting, they’re going to do this on their own time.

But once you’ve opened the door and have these conversations, your child will feel comfortable coming to talk to you about more than just their day. You can get more than “fine” or one-word answers by using the right tactics and following your kiddo’s lead. They will share with you!