Stay Calm and Handle Behavior Changes Like a Pro

Why Are They ACTING Like This?

Are your kids acting like different children? BIG(ger) emotions, fighting more, or refusing to share? Take a breath and remember the behavior is just the part we can see. The root of their behavior is due to another reason. There are MANY reasons why a child might start acting differently. The list is honestly so long, I’m still figuring it out. Heck, it could be the weather isn’t ideal that day, so they’re going to rage! With that said, I’ve found there are three heavy hitters that cause our kids to display behaviors that cause us to wonder “what in the world is going on?!” These would be a change in the family, mastering a new skill, and sickness/exhaustion.

We Are Family

Family dynamics are a tricky concept for littles, as well as for adults too! Think about it, for littles, it is hard enough to understand why Grandma comes to stay but then leaves. Why would she leave if everyone is happy? It’s not until they’re preschool and kindergarten age that they learn, Grandma has another house and only visits. If a holiday has occurred, you could have had multiple family members in and out of the house, leaving your little confused and frustrated. When they’re toddlers, the world quite literally revolves around them in their mind. When people come and go, they can act out because they cannot verbalize their lack of understanding.

Then there are those major life events: new babies, death, divorce, and moving to new homes. These situations can impact our kids from infantry to high school. They make us look at our kids and go, “What is going on in your head?!” It’s ROUGH! Typically, in these major events, we’re also impacted which drastically affects our ability to be present with our kids. This is at no fault of anyone’s but ds play into why our kids act like wild children during these times.

When our kids are going through these events, they feel completely out of control. Life is happening TO them, from their perspective. To gain control, they try different ways to get your attention. It won’t matter to them if the behavior is negative if it gets the result of a reaction from you. Your typically well-behaved kiddo can suddenly be screaming more, throwing tantrums more, or sharing. It is possible they might even get destructive.

It is important to remind yourself during these challenging times with extreme behaviors to remain as calm as possible. I’m no Mother Teresa, I lose my mind too. But if you tell yourself, “It’s not me, it’s the situation,” it helps become a teaching moment. They NEED you with this life events, even if the way they behave is showing the complete opposite.

New Day, New Skill

Your child might have been a sweet, little, nugget up until the point they could begin talking. Then they stopped sleeping through the night and are now terrorizing the home. Sound familiar?

Each day our kids master new skills. Learning new words, how to pour milk, making a ball with playdough, how to rattle a toy, or how to read body language provides a sound and feeling. These experiences and skills are a part of our kid’s rapid brain development in the first years of their lives. With this development, can come backlash in the behavior department.

It is not that they are purposefully acting out. They are NOT manipulating now that they are acquiring a new skill. The behavior is just a result of their little body not being able to process anymore. Their brains are working overtime to learn new things and store that information. The meltdown that occurs over the smallest of activities is due to their own mental overload.

As they acquire skills, think about the days that you’re on mental and physical overload. You’ve got 100 things on your list, the kids have been screaming all day, and now you just burned dinner. You probably don’t have the mental or emotional capacity to stay calm in this moment. Instead, you might slam it all in the trash, cry, or let out a scream of frustration. The same process applies to our kiddos.

Rather than feel like your baby is regressing, understand they are just overstimulated in their learning experience.

ACHOO! Another Day Another Sickness

It seems like littles get sick every other day! These kids are walking germs and then they bring them into the house to spread at a rapid rate. It gs without saying, a sick child is going to be a grumpy child. The ability to regulate their emotions will quickly go out the window. They’re not sleeping well, tired of being sick, and their bodies are working overtime to heal.

Granted, moms do not get sick days unless the illness is severe. Even then a full sick day is not easy to come by. I know when I had a kidney stone and still had to care for my daughter, I personally wondered every time I moved how I was going to do it. I didn’t have patience and cried a lot when she wasn’t looking. My behaviors were not far off from how she behaves when she has a cold.

Once again, if we can just take a step back and realize it isn’t a total regression, it is a reaction to a situation then we can support them through this phase.

Regression feels as icky as a four letter word

Regression has that negative connotation that is used widely in the parenting universe for when our kids are not doing something (more often that we want them to do). However, if we really think about it, the behaviors are not regressing in most cases.

(Please note, I do understand there are children who do regress, sometimes at rapid rates, and these babies should be seen by your pediatrician before looking into it further.)

In many situations, the skill is not lost. It is just on pause. The child is still able to express frustration appropriately, share, use kind words or take a nap. However, their brain is processing so much new information, that it is not at the forefront of their minds. Then they become mentally exhausted which leads to their inability to communicate their needs other than melting down. In most cases, once they have grasped the new concept, the adjustment period has settled or they’re no longer sick, they return to their typical state.

It is during these times of growth (not regression) that we must support our kiddos. They need a hand in the process to help them through this period. Even though it is taxing on us, mamas, they need to feel supported in learning new skills and with new behaviors.

Mama Here, How Can I Help?

Great question! Don’t worry, we’re in this together! We now understand that the behavior is a part of the growth period or another underlying cause. This helps us adjust our own behavior and approach with our kids. It will allow us to validate their feelings while holding firm with our boundaries.

Just because your kiddo is going through a new experience ds not mean you have to let them get away with other behaviors that are not acceptable in your house.

There are two things you can do to make it through these pockets of time:

PRAISE, PRAISE, PRAISE: When you notice your child doing the wanted behaviors, praise them. Be specific with your praise so they understand what they’re doing right. “I like the way you are using an inside voice to speak right now. Thanks so much!”

STAY NEUTRAL: This one is the tricky one and understanding the “why” behind the behavior comes in handy. When our kids are acting out, providing a calm force will provide a quicker opportunity to regulate. If we add to their crazy, they miss the opportunity to regulate with you and the situation only escalates. (I’m not here to say it will not happen or it dsn’t happen to me. Just to encourage you to be the calm to your child’s crazy.)

These two skills will help your child through their period of dysregulation. Praising will remind them of the encouraged behavior. Kids need help when they’re little to regulate their emotions. The way you regulate is going to be the way they do too, most times. Yes, they put their own spin on it but they need you to be their starting line. Staying calm and neutral allows them a chance to regulate and get back to the start.

What to SAY?

So you have tried staying calm and praising, but they’re still raging. No worries, we’ll come up with a plan B for you! Often, kids need replacement behaviors. They have these BIG emotions but don’t know where to put them. So they start hitting, biting, throwing, kicking, and doing all the things. They want to release the big feelings, and this is the only way they know how.

What you’re going to do is hold to your boundaries while allowing a place for them to get the icky out.

Hitting:

I can see you’re mad, but it dsn’t mean you can hit me or your brother. But you can hit this pillow. Give it a try. Let’s go in your room and you can hit all the pillows.
Push a wall
Hit the ground
Rub hands together
Biting:

I can see how that feels like it could help. But I know you don’t want to hurt yourself or others. Let’s go scream into a pillow. That will help you get the icky out.
This is a big one to stay neutral on. Please don’t bite your child back. It will not have the lasting impact you think it will like our parents did.

Kicking:

Just like when you were hitting, there are other ways to let that out. Let’s lay down and push our legs into the wall.
Want to go outside and kick the ball around?
Throwing:

I want to throw things when I’m angry too. Sometimes I do, I just make sure it won’t break or hurt anyone. Let’s go throw some pillows
Rip paper
Throw stuffed animals
Reinforcing the action while giving a new way to release the feeling will help them a great deal. They don’t know a safe and effective way to let all that ickiness out of their bodies. Letting them know you see them, you have these feelings too, but there are other ways to handle it provides a great deal of support. It truly lays the groundwork for emotional regulation as they get older.

It should also be noted, these replacement behaviors can be taught during a calm period. When they’re upset, they may be resistant to doing things differently. Go through these options when their calm will help when they’re upset because it won’t be something new.

Another day and Another Way to Support

We are constantly learning along with our kiddos. Each day brings some new challenge we work through together. It is important for our kids to know that their feelings are valid while learning new ways to cope. Our job is to let them know everyone has an off day and THAT’S OK! It’s just all in how you handle that off day. Kids are not perfect. They’re their own little beings that are navigating a world. Just like we don’t have a handbook for how to handle our kids, they don’t have one on figuring out the world. That can feel really overwhelming, especially if they cannot talk or make their own decisions!

Their behavior shift is what we call “leveling up” in our house. It’s like another video game level they have mastered, and we need figure out how to support them on the new level. Sometimes that comes with new, intense behaviors. That’s ok! Emotions are a part of our lives. We just need to release them, express them, and communicate with them in a way that keeps us and those around us safe. But sometimes we must let them out to keep our own state safe. Emotions are COMPLICATED! This is why our kids need our support to know what to do with these big feelings as they level up in life. They’ll need this support for a long time, mamas. You have the skill set to help your babies in every stage. Take a breath, it’s not easy but you can do it!

You got this!