Making Choices Less Overwhelming for Kids

Why are the things that make our kids better also the things that make us want to pull our hair out? What if we’re giving our kids choices, but it is making our life harder? Typically, in my house when things become a struggle, I say, “we’re done,†and move on. But I encourage you to hang in there while allowing your children to make choices. The benefits of providing options far outweigh the frustration of their inability to decide. There are many ways you can make it work for you in your household and still give your kiddo empowerment. Let me help!

What is SO Great About Giving Choices?

You hear it from so many “experts†to give your kids choices. But rarely are they explaining the why behind it. So here it is. Allowing your kiddos to have a choice in their snack or what they wear gives them a sense of control in their day. Throughout their days, we’re deciding when we leave, where we’re going, when they take a nap, what is for lunch, and when they go to bed. They don’t feel they have a lot of say in their day. Which is true. When kids are given an opportunity to decide something small, it gives them back a little power in their day. This gives them confidence and empowers them to have ownership. Two skills we want our kids to have.

With that said, choices are not a free for all. The choices provided need to be something you’re ok with as well. It’s all about allowing them freedom within a controlled environment. Clearly, they’d choose cookies and chips for breakfast if they could. Instead, the choice will be from the options you give. If they don’t like those options, you are welcome to invite a suggestion from them but that doesn’t mean it has to become a choice.

Every Kid is Different

Some kids thrive on choices. It allows them to feel like they have a voice in the matter and in control of the situation. The choices allow there to be fewer power struggles and help routines run smoother. However, there are kids who are the complete opposite. Some kids are overwhelmed with choices. There are children who are perfectionists who are afraid to make the wrong choice. If you find providing choices for your kiddo is only making things worse, it is ok. There are ways to offer choices for all kids to provide a way for their voice to be heard without causing headaches.

Check in and Break it Down

You’ve given your kiddo a choice between two outfits. They keep going back and forth saying they want to wear each one. Or they freeze and don’t make any decision. Either way, in either of these scenarios, it becomes extremely irritating quickly. I’d say more times than not, we end up making the decision for our kids.

Let’s try something a little different with these kiddos who just struggle to make decisions. When they start to freeze, or they get so silly picking both, STOP. Ask your kiddo, “Do you need more time or help?†This lets you know where they are in their heads, so you don’t just make the decision for them. If they need more time, value that. Give them another minute. You can even set a timer so they’re aware of their time and you don’t have to put the pressure on counting down. If they say they need help, pick a part of the choice. For instance, if they’re picking out their outfit, choose the pants. Then they get to choose the shirt.

Now, I know you’re saying, but I’ve done that and all they do is freak out about what I pick. Ok, that is a possibility. I know it has happened in my house too. In this case, I don’t fight it. If she can make the choice once I’ve offered help, then I’m cool with it. The point isn’t for me to be in charge in this scenario. It is for her to learn how to make a choice. This is when I put my own annoyance aside for the greater good of the day and the learning experience.

About a Choice Not Perfection

I’ve found that two choices can lead to the fear of making a wrong choice. There were days when I’d lay out two choices for an outfit and my daughter would panic! It didn’t matter if I told her, there wasn’t a wrong choice. Internally she felt there was.

I find that littles typically want to please us. If they feel there is a wrong choice, they’d rather not make one. Then there is the little perfectionist who fears being wrong. Two choices for these kiddos aren’t enough. They can easily perceive there is a right and wrong choice.

Instead, you can give your kiddos three to four choices. In doing this, it takes away the possibility of them thinking there is a right or a wrong choice. It takes the pressure off of the choice itself. When I switched to three choices with my daughter, there was a huge difference in her ability to make choices.

Process of Elimination

Another variation of making choices is to allow them to eliminate choices they don’t want. This is my go-to strategy when picking snacks or breakfast. In this option, I like to give four options to choose from. From there, your child can determine what they DON’T want. Those items get put to the side. After eliminating choices, the one that is left is the option they go with.

Again, this might end up with your kiddos freaking out because they don’t want the final option. Stay calm. Allow them a second to rethink if there is another option they want. They don’t have to stick with that final option. If they can let you know they want one of the other choices, then let them pick one. However, if they decide they want something that wasn’t a choice, that is your call how you want to handle that. There is no harm in allowing them to have the option that wasn’t in the original four because they did make the decision. It is just a matter of if that choice works for you.

Growing Pains

Giving choices doesn’t mean it is cut and dry for your child. See how you were given choices to fit your kiddos? There is not one size fits all solution. Choices have to work for you and your kids. This is an area of growth that isn’t always comfortable. There are going to be days your kids are very into making the decision and other days they could care less. On the days they don’t care, go ahead, and make the choice for them.

Even though they still might put up a fight over choices, it will get better over time. Keep calm and vary the strategy as needed to help them through it. Making a choice is a part of your child finding their voice. It might take some kids longer than others and it is perfectly fine.

Refrain from getting upset with your child when they don’t make a choice in the time you figured it would take them or if they are indecisive. They are learning through this. The more we get frantic over the decision, the more likely they will learn it is easier to let someone else make the choice. It is equally important to do your best to keep from counting down. It creates a similar effect to the “two choices†option and puts a sense of pressure on your child. If you don’t believe me, have them count down for you and try to think straight to decide. It is incredibly difficult.

They’re Finally Getting It!

When your child starts to get the hang of making choices, don’t be surprised when they want to have more say in their day. This is just them trying to have more control. If you’re ok with the choices, then offer them as much as you can.

If your child begins to think they should be consulted over every decision, it is ok to remind them there are times they get choices and there are times that choices are made for them. Provide them with concrete examples for them to understand.

Choices they can make:

Food options (could me entire meals or side dishes)
Clothing
What plate they want
Getting dressed or brushing teeth.
Choices they cannot make:

Things to do with scheduling: school, daycare, getting out of the house.
Safety Concerns
Weather appropriate clothing (no shorts in winter)
Bedtime
While we love their feedback, there are decisions that we have to make in order to keep them safe and keep the structure of our household. That is also ok! There is nothing wrong with that.

When your kiddos do make decisions, remember to give them some positive praise. This will encourage them to continue making decisions and help them feel confident.

You can say things like:

Thank you for deciding.

I like the decision you just made.

Way to use your smart thinking brain.

I like the way you problem solved that situation.

Sometimes deciding is hard, but I like the way you worked through it.

Let Those Little Voices Be Heard

Providing our children with opportunities to decide can feel exhausting and challenging at first. It is one more thing to consider and takes more time; it can even lead to greater struggles. However, it allows our kids to have a voice in a world that doesn’t let them be heard regularly. It also teaches them the cognitive ability to problem solve. They learn what they do like versus what they don’t, and we learn about them in the process. It isn’t always easy depending on your child. But is definitely worth it in the long run. You got this, Mamas!